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By the time The Rise of Skywalker introduces Poe's presumed ex-lover Zorii Bliss, who looks like the ferocious spawn of Catwoman and a Power Ranger, he's ready to say the quiet part out loud and ask to kiss her (denied), and straight up proposition her with a raise of his eyebrow at the end of the movie (also denied, which is kind of hot in its own way). Thank god for that, because without Poe's suggestive nodding, there's almost nothing else horny about this movie.

It seems impossible that the same film that makes Reylo canon — Reylo, for christ's sake — has so little to offer on the horny scale. Flash back to The Last Jedi, which charged Rey and Kylo Ren's almost–hand touch with enough ambient horndoggery to launch an entire genre of fanfiction (Force sex! It's a thing now!), and compare that lusty subtext with The Rise of Skywalker's Reylo smooch, which is sandwiched between both kissers literally being dead in a coliseum filled with smushed-up monks. Sure, it's kind of biblical, but not in that way. No points awarded, and everyone involved should be ashamed.

Finally, and this is what zaps every last trace of horniness from The Rise of Skywalker, there's Palpatine. Crusty, musty Emperor Palpatine and the horrifying news that he absolutely fucked. Regardless of how anyone feels about Rey being Sheev Palpatine's granddaughter from a story perspective, the facts of human reproduction require ol' Palpy to have canonically banged his way to natural fatherhood — the same Palpatine who appears in the movie as a dessicated corpse and whose whole aesthetic since The Phantom Menace has been "caftan-wearing creeper Nazi."

Just to clarify that visual: Rey was born in 15 ABY and her flashback dad doesn't look older than 35, so that's Revenge of the Sith–era Sheev Palpatine laying groundwork for his senatorial takeover by day and laying pipe to some random space lady by night. With whom was Palpatine getting down to pound town? Was she nice? Was it freaky? A lot of the Sith-adjacent folks in the extended media have a whole fetishwear thing going on so that's why it might have been freaky. He colonized her Unknown Regions. Explored her Outer Rim. This is awful. It's negative horny and Star Wars can't come back from this, even if Palpatine did.

Not even Poe Dameron's smoldering stare can outweigh the fact that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker's biggest twist only happened because Sheev Palpatine had unprotected sex. The simmering horniness of The Last Jedi was a one-time miracle of the Force, and it's Palpa-turtles all the way down from there. The Force might be balanced by the end of the movie, but The Rise of Skywalker's horny scale is wildly and forever skewed towards the dark side. Thanks a lot, Sheev.

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Posted by Trang Ánh Nam to Nam Trang Ánh at December 21, 2019 at 9:17 AM